Soccer is for Wimps

Many years ago, when I was living in Perth, Western Australia, my English-born father tried to get me interested in soccer. Dutifully, we would watch Arsenal play on the Saturday night sports round-up, but I never cottoned on to the game. Sometimes there were no goals! And what was with all that girly rolling around on the ground after a bit of body contact? It was like watching cricket being played by a bunch of guys in ballet tutus, and I just wasn't having it. Incidentally, neither was my school. Soccer was completely banned on the grounds that it would sap the willingness of young boys to brutally attack each other at lunchtime while going up for Aussie Rules pack marks.

In recent years I have become increasingly perplexed by the willingness of people other than the English to watch this ludicrous game. Even in the PC office, there are Americans, Australians, and, God help me, New Zealanders, who show no embarrassment in admitting that they are fans. Granted, FIFA has invested billions of dollars in gender reassignment and mind control over the past 20 years, but this is something I just cannot understand. Every time I flipped on the tube during the recent World Cup, there was some grown man collapsing  like he had been shot after brushing against an opposing player's blouse. Yuck. I would immediately send my son to bed and switch over to Chuck Norris driving his Hummer out of a bomb crater.

You can imagine my approval then when I read Patrick Hruby's recent excellent piece on ESPN. In it, he quotes the US national coach, Ben Bradley, as saying that he would be "ashamed" if any of his players dived in order to gain a competitive advantage. Hruby then goes on to say that Bradley is a real man whom we should all admire, but a real dumb man nonetheless. As he so accurately points out, if US players had gone belly up every time someone sneezed on them, then the talented Yanks almost certainly would have got into the finals. The inevitable conclusion therefore is that US soccer players must become a lot more corrupt and lily-livered if ever they are going to make any progress in this "beautiful game".

Rereading Hruby's article, I can see he is being sarcastic throughout, which makes it quite difficult to gauge his true attitude. However, on balance, I think it is as fair to say that he is as disgusted as I am by the long-established and continuing blight on what otherwise may be a mildly entertaining sport. I honestly hope it remains a minority game in Australia, which seems guaranteed given the lethal combination of the vuvuzela, the ridiculous salaries paid to a bunch of creatively shaved show ponies, the boring inevitable dominance of Man U and Real Madrid, and the horrible acting. Check out the video below for an excellent example.  



Incidentally, here is how real men play footy.